4 Things You Need To Know About Living With A Spouse Who Has Depression

All of us struggle at times. Especially living in a pandemic for over a year. But what do you do if the person you love is the one struggling? Here are 4 things you need to know about living with a spouse who has depression.

1. Know some signs and symptoms of what depression looks like.

Sadness
Feelings of hopelessness, guilt, helplessness, and worthlessness
Irritability
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
Decreased energy or fatigue
Physical symptoms such as aches, pains, and digestive issues

Actually knowing that these signs can mean that you are living with a spouse with depression can be tricky. Like so many things, there could be other things going on. It takes a professional to truly diagnose depression.

2. Differences in men and women.

Depression is more common in women than in men. The symptoms listed above are general for both. But emotionally men tend to exhibit higher rates of anger, frustration, and aggression when they are dealing with depression.

Depressed men also tend to exhibit behaviors that keep them isolated. These behaviors can include, increased alcohol consumption, taking drugs, burying themselves in work, or avoiding family or social situations.

Men are also more likely to act impulsively by gambling or engaging in other risk-taking behavior.

And when depression is more severe, they are more likely to attempt suicide than women.

Unfortunately, many of the ways men express their depression are a result of patriarchal masculinity (to learn more about this topic, read Bell Hooks’ book, The Will To Change). This is the belief that the only appropriate emotions for men to show are anger and rage. Any other emotions are weak.

Men have a full range of emotions and are entitled to express them, simply because they are human.

Women are more likely to reach out for support due to the fact they see their PCP or OBGyn on a yearly basis and have access to someone who may be screening for mental health.

It is unfortunately also more acceptable for women to seek counseling. This also has roots in patriarchal masculinity.

3. Learn how to actively listen.

So what is active listening? It is listening with compassion and putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. You don’t have to have had the same or similar experience to do this but maybe the same or similar emotional experience.

For example, your partner is feeling like they have failed at work. You don’t have to have failed at work, but you can connect to feeling like you have failed at some point in your life. And everyone has had that feeling. It is part of the human experience.

Active listening isn’t about fixing anything. It is about being present and compassionate. Fixing can look like coming up with solutions or options or telling your partner what you think they should do. Although it is coming from a place of concern and love, fixing is actually invalidating and dismissive.

Active listening is a learned skill and isn’t taught in school so show yourself grace if aren’t familiar with the term or are not yet good at it. If you would like to learn more about active listening, contact me and request the active listening worksheet.

4. Don’t forget to put yourself first.

It is hard to watch someone we love struggle, but you are not responsible for their mental well-being.

You are only responsible for supporting your spouse. But let me clarify what I mean by “supporting.”

Supporting can mean paying attention to, like actively listening if your spouse shares how they feel. This can also include, attending to, or letting your spouse know that you notice they are struggling, then asking if they need anything, like for you to make dinner tonight, or a night out with friends, or an ear for listening and validating.

What I don’t mean is for you to take over everything and self-sacrifice yourself. And yet this is a tricky balance.

On the one hand, it hurts to see your partner struggling and you don’t want to hurt anymore. Because it is emotionally painful watching the people we love struggle.

And on the other hand, it is more powerful for your partner to feel emotionally validated by you, so they can choose what works best for them in order to get better. It is also important to realize, that what may work best for them, is working with a professional.

It can be hard to hold this internal boundary, but boundaries are actually what create connections in relationships.

Living with a spouse who has depression can be challenging for both of you. You are not alone. There are many couples that struggle with depression. You may have times of experiencing depression yourself as well.

These 4 tips are just the beginning of learning to live happily despite depression. Keep an open mind, do more research, and reach out for professional support. We all need help at times in our lives. It always takes a village.

Jacqueline V. Cohen is a Licensed Professional Counselor, an ADHD Certified Clinical Specialist Provider, and a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist Diplomate who works with couples who are courageously addressing depression. You can connect with her by email or to learn more about her practice and specialties, visit her website.