We all know that parenting is hard. If you don’t, then you don’t have children. Parenting with an ADHD spouse might be even harder.
But this article isn’t going to be about how parenting is hard because your spouse has ADHD.
It will be about helping you and your partner with ADHD learn how to parent together as a team, working with each other instead of against each other.
So here are 4 tips for parenting with an ADHD spouse:
- Educate yourself on ADHD
Understanding how your partner’s brain works will help you shift your perspective on what is really behind certain behaviors.
For example, you ask your partner to call the school and provide information on why your child missed school so it will be an excused absence.
Your partner says they will do it. You find out a few days later that it wasn’t done and now your child has an unexcused absence.
Chances are, your partner forgot. It would be understandable for you to feel frustrated, especially if something like this is happening a lot.
It could make you feel like either your partner doesn’t care or you can’t trust what your partner says, leaving you feeling like you will have to take on more than what is fair in the responsibilities of parenting.
But educating yourself on what is actually happening – your partner’s executive function of working memory isn’t working, can keep you from assuming the worst.
It isn’t up to you to manage your partner’s ADHD symptoms. It is theirs.
So if your partner is either getting extra support through a coach, therapist, or using what they have learned to help manage their symptoms and you are showing compassion to your partner when they struggle, you both can work together to find solutions. - Take care of yourself first.
You hear a lot about self-care. And you probably ignore it like most other people do because you are just too busy. However, that is a big mistake.
Self-care is important for your mental and physical health. And it is also good for your relationship.
Make sure you are making time for exercise, generally eating healthy, getting quality sleep, or spending time with friends.
It is up to you to manage your stress. But that can include asking your partner for help or support.
If your ADHD partner is highly sensitive – like most other folks with ADHD – then your partner has the capacity to feel total empathy for what you are going through.
And nothing creates more connection than being really seen and heard by your partner. - Make your relationship a priority.
You and your partner don’t always have to be on the same page all of the time when it comes to parenting.
But it can be difficult to parent together if your relationship is strained.
That is why it is important to attend to your relationship. This means intentionally making time to take care of the relationship.
This can include, planning dates, making time for sexual intimacy, or working on communication that creates connection instead of disconnection.
If there are issues you want to work through, make sure you express it as a complaint, instead of a criticism.
A complaint is about a specific behavior whereas criticism is a global attack on their character. - Do you have a child with ADHD?
ADHD is about 75-80% genetic.
This means that if one parent has an accurate diagnosis of ADHD, then there is about a 25% chance that they will have a child with ADHD.Parenting is hard, period.
Parenting a child with ADHD can be much more challenging than parenting a neurotypical child. And maybe even more challenging for your partner with ADHD.
So go back to tip #1. Educate yourself on what ADHD is as well as what it looks like from a neurodevelopmental aspect when it comes to your child with ADHD.
As you learn how your child’s brain works, you can also help your child learn how their brain works.
This will help you set your child up for success as they grow older so they will know how to respond to their brain and work with it instead of against it.
Your ADHD partner can also be a good resource for guidance in understanding what might be happening with your child in the moment.
Remember you are in this parenting thing together. Just because your partner has ADHD, doesn’t mean that they are the only one that brings challenges to the table.
Two neurotypicals face their own challenges in parenting.
It really comes down to understanding, listening, and respecting one another. And not expecting perfection. Because there is no such thing as a perfect parent!
“Encourage and support your kids because children are apt to live up to what you believe of them.”
Lady Bird Johnson
Jacqueline V. Cohen is a Licensed Professional Counselor, an ADHD Certified Clinical Specialist Provider, and a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist who works with courageous women and mothers that want to live authentically. You can connect with her by email or to learn more about her practice and specialties, visit her website.
4 comments
so how do you handle the ‘unexcused absence’ for the child? Who should have done it, and how do you avoid a reoccurance?
Well, there are many answers to each of your questions. Either parent can handle calling the school to excuse an absence. It is just harder for the one with ADHD to do these kinds of tasks (executive function). But it is up to the one with ADHD to find systems and structures that work for him/her in order to do tasks that aren’t geared towards their strengths. Talking to a couples counselor who specializes in ADHD and couples can help you both navigate different ways of communicating and negotiating tasks. And ADHD specific coach can also help with ideas on creating systems and structures for the ADHD parent. It is also really important for the non-ADHD parent to educate themselves on ADHD, just as he/she would if their partner was diagnosed with, for example, diabetes.
What do you do when partner is in denial of their ADHD and doesn’t want to “do” anything about it? Despite it being diagnosed by our couples therapist.
That would be a great question to bring up in couples therapy. But Melissa Orlov has some great books on couples with ADHD.