How To Cope As A Single Parent With ADHD

First, I want to acknowledge the struggle of being a single parent. It isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination. But being a single parent with ADHD brings the struggle to a whole new level.

The idea that ADHD is a disorder isn’t really true. What is true is that a person with ADHD has a brain that works differently than is typical within their culture. So who is the authority on what is “typical” and what isn’t?

Social expectations of parents (and kids for that matter) in some cultures assume an extended ability to focus and work, mental processing at a certain speed, consistent emotion regulation, ability to follow the rules all of the time, meet others’ expectations, and multitask.

And if you can’t, the assumption is there is something wrong with you.

Comparing yourself to a neurotypical single parent is like comparing an English teacher to a science teacher and expecting them to teach the same. They are two different teachers teaching different subjects. One is not better than the other, they are just different.

Similarly, as a single parent with ADHD, you will need specialized coping skills that are different than a neurotypical single parent.

Here are some ways to cope as a single parent with ADHD.

Strategy 1 is to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!

Different isn’t bad, wrong, or broken!

Strategy 2 is to know how your brain works.

If you understand how your brain works, you can respond in ways that work with your brain.

For example, many people with ADHD don’t understand the concept of time. This is called “time blindness.”

Time blindness can look a couple of different ways:

• You think you have plenty of time, so you try and do too many things – causing you to be late
• You lose track of time – also causing you to be late or forget altogether
• When planning – you don’t consider how much time it will take to get there or what could get in the way – like traffic
• You don’t think you have enough time – which causes a lot of anxiety – you may be early, but you are experiencing a lot of anxiety to get there

Time blindness impacts your ability to manage time.

When you are a single parent with ADHD, you might recognize that you have time blindness if the following scenario sounds familiar.

It is 2:00 PM and you have to pick up your child from school at 3:00. You believe that you can go grocery shopping, and run 4 errands before you pick up little Suzie. You probably aren’t going to be able to do all of those things in 1 hour. Unless they are all in front of the school and you only need to get 1 thing at the grocery store, you will be late, or you may even forget to pick her up.

Incidents like these aren’t isolated, they are the norm when you have time blindness.

If you know that you struggle with time blindness, you can learn to plan differently. Some strategies you can use are setting alarms so you don’t get distracted and giving yourself time for the transitions from one task to the next.

This is one place where working with an ADHD-specific coach can be incredibly helpful.

Strategy 3 is Self-care, self-care, self-care.

It is important that every parent practice self-care. Parenting is hard. Taking care of yourself is a part of taking care of your child.

I don’t mean plan a weekend getaway once a year, I mean a daily practice.

You may be reading this thinking, “I am a single parent. I don’t have time for self-care.” Well, then you need to make time. Because if you don’t your health and your relationship with your child may suffer.

Self-care doesn’t have to be elaborate. It can be taking a bath, going for a 10-minute walk, or locking yourself in your room to watch what YOU want to watch.

Strategy 4 is to find other neurodiverse parents.

Find your people – the people who really get you. You can also find out what strategies they use that work. But mainly, you know you aren’t alone in the struggle of being a person living with ADHD and being a parent with ADHD.

If your child is also neurodiverse (probably a good chance), ImpactParents is a great resource through which you can easily connect with other neurodiverse parents (although not all parents in the program are neurodiverse).

Strategy 5 is to practice self-compassion.

Judging and criticizing yourself for not meeting unrealistic social expectations of parenting, making a mistake, or having a moment when you freak out on your child (as all good parents do!) doesn’t mean you aren’t doing a good job.

Neither will ever motivate you to do anything differently. They only make you feel bad.

Self-compassion makes it easier to take accountability, and actively work towards changing behaviors you want to change, and not get overwhelmed with painful feelings like inadequacy or guilt (both common parent feelings).

Strategy 6 is not to get caught up in the minutia of what society says parenting should look like.

You only need to think about your value system. When you think ahead (and I don’t mean catastrophizing) about how you want your children to remember their childhood and the foundation you want to give them, that is what you focus on. Don’t focus on things like if they have too much screen time because you can’t make dinner and entertain them at the same time, or are they getting the “perfect” amount of fruits and vegetables every day, or do you say the right thing all of the time.

Strategy 7 is finding your village.

The most essential strategy is finding your village!!! No one can do this parenting thing on their own. No one.

Who is your support system? This can include teachers, family physicians, family, friends, and an ADHD-specific coach and/or a therapist or a support group.

One person can’t be everything to a child.

You can’t know everything your child needs at every given moment nor do you have to be the only one to give them what they need. The bigger your village, the more you are giving them.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. You only have to be a good enough one. And as a single parent with ADHD, you are the perfect parent for your child.

This song below reflects this beautifully.

You can listen to the song by clicking on the video or read the lyrics under the video.

A Village

Jade Bird, Bear’s Den

I admit that I am terrified
I have not known a love like this in my life
I’m pretty confident I won’t do it right
I’m trying to be all that you could need

There will be corners of your mind I can’t reach
There will be words you won’t hear from me
And there will be pain I cannot see
I have to believe, I have to concede

It takes a village
It takes a village
All I am is not all that there is and
It takes a village to raise a kid

I wish that I could do it all
Be the one you come to whenever you fall
But I know that you’ll need so much more
Than I could ever give you

There will be corners of your mind I can’t reach
There will be words you won’t hear from me
And there will be pain that I cannot see
I have to believe, I have to concede

It takes a village
It takes a village
All I am is not all that there is and
It takes a village to raise a kid

If you get lost in the space between
How it is and how it should be
Please don’t ever feel like you
Can’t come talk to me

It takes a village
It takes a village
All I am is not all that there is and
It takes a village to raise a kid

It takes a village
It takes a village
All I am is not all that there is and
It takes a village to raise a kid

Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Andrew Davie

Jacqueline V. Cohen is a licensed professional counselor and an ADHD-certified clinical specialist provider specializing in perinatal mental health and adult ADHD. To learn more about her services, you can go to her website. You can also contact her by email.