How to Talk About Marriage Problems with Your Spouse

Sometimes talking about certain issues with your partner can be easy. Like, “when and where should we go on vacation?”or “what kind of ice cream should we get at the grocery?” Maybe even, negotiating whose family you will spend the holidays with could be easy. But the real problem happens when you don’t know how to talk about marriage problems without creating more conflict.

This can feel scary, especially if your (and/or your partner’s) communication skills haven’t been so great in the past, or you are newly married and haven’t had much experience with difficult conversations.

Or, one of the bigger reasons why it can be hard to talk about problems is if one or both of you grew up in a house that didn’t promote discussing any problems.

The unspoken message was to just sweep things under the rug, and now you are perpetuating this habit in your marriage.

The problem with that is, the pile just keeps getting bigger and bigger. And if you aren’t tripping over it, you are spending too much time walking around it. It is like a piece of furniture that doesn’t match the decor and is right smack in the middle of the room. Oh, and you can’t seem to move it.

So, in order to get this metaphoric pile of problems or piece of furniture to move, here are some ways to make it easier to discuss and work through problems:

Personal Accountability

“You can change yourself and you can change the situation but you absolutely cannot change other people. Only they can do that”. Joanna Trollope

This quote really encapsulates the importance of being personally accountable when it comes to how to talk about marriage problems. It also makes things much easier because you only have to focus on yourself, and when you only have to focus on yourself, you always have choices.

Be Assertive

Assertiveness means that you are advocating for your spouse and yourself.

Most people think that speaking your mind is being assertive. If you are advocating for you and the person you are speaking to, then yes. But most of the time, those people are really being aggressive – advocating for themselves, and not the other person.

An example of assertiveness: Your spouse asks you to bring the trash up along with the kid’s bikes. You’re already feeling tired because you just cleaned the kitchen, and just need a break. So you say, “I know we need to bring all of that up tonight, and we are both feeling tired, so I will bring up the trash if you bring up the bikes. How does that sound?”

An example of aggressiveness: Same scenario, except you say, “I just cleaned the kitchen and I am tired. If you want it done, then you do it.”

As you can see by both examples, assertiveness shows that you are a team, and the aggressive response pits you against your spouse, and creates resentment and disconnection.

Use I statements

Blaming the other for whatever the problem is, will only cause defensiveness.

You each played a part in how you got here. Saying, “you did…” will only cause them to blame you in return, and that begins the vicious cycle.

When you instead use an “I” statement, like “I feel _______ when you do_________”, you aren’t blaming them for how you feel but letting them know that your feelings are in response to their behavior. This makes it easier for them to hear what you are saying because it is a complaint about the behavior, not about who they are.

Stay in the present

Bringing up past conflicts can be confusing because each of you has your own version of the experience and it may not be relevant to what is happening right now.

Translation, dragging the past into the present just brings shit into the situation that doesn’t need to be there, and just may make a bigger pile that no one wants to fall in.

Think about staying in the present as how you are feeling right now. While past conflicts may contribute to this, saying how you feel right now makes things much clearer.

Be Clear

Making vague statements can be confusing.

Over-explaining or setting up a scenario can cause you to lose your audience. And using all or nothing statements like – always and never, can make your partner defensive or shut down.

Remember the idea is to have an open dialogue that can create understanding and repair instead of more breakdown. And the only way to do that is by being compassionately honest and transparent.

For example, imagine that you would really like to go out for ice cream after dinner tonight. Instead of saying, “honey, are you in the mood for ice cream?”, say, “honey, I am in the mood for ice cream, let’s go get some after dinner.”

The first statement suggests it is only up to your partner, and you may not get the answer you are looking for. The second one clearly lets your partner know what it is you want without setting them up for failure.

Remember you are in a partnership.

So your assertive human right is asking for whatever you want. But remember your spouse’s assertive human right is to be able to say yes or no to your request. And saying no doesn’t mean they don’t love you or respect your wishes.

So let’s put this all together with some things to practice.

1. Think about things you do or say in any scenario of your day.
   
   Ask your self if you are blaming someone else for your actions or how you feel, or if are you owning your behavior and emotional experience.
   
   If you are blaming someone else, be curious if they are really responsible or not.
   
   
2. Practice being assertive by starting with something easy.
   
   Like if you are at a restaurant and the server brings out something you specifically didn’t ask for. Remember this is more than likely a harmless mistake, so just say, ” Do you mind sending this back? I didn’t ask for… .”
   
   
3. When practicing “I” statements, just use the formula, “When you….., I feel….”
   
   A positive example is, “When you forget to take out the trash, I feel that what I want is unimportant to you.”
   
   A poor example is, “When you forget to take out the trash, I feel that you are a jerk.”
   
   
4. Pay attention to how you are feeling in the moment.
   
   What happened in the past is in the past.
   
   Staying in the present for difficult conversations can make it easier for your partner to understand what you are trying to say.
   
   So, if you don’t want past behavior to continue, you have a better chance for future change by focusing on the now.
   
   
5. Understand that being clear doesn’t mean being direct.
   
   When people say they are “direct” they usually mean unfiltered, which typically includes criticism and judgment.
   
   That will usually elicit defensiveness. You just want to say what you mean without any criticism, over-explaining, or using too many details.
   
   You will be more effective communicating with your spouse if you are honest and authentic.

Having difficult conversations with your spouse can be scary. Especially if historically, many of your difficult conversations have led to defensiveness or more pain.

Difficult conversations can also be scary if any kind of confrontation is anxiety-provoking to you. However, avoiding confrontation actually leads to a much bigger confrontation.

Talking with your partner about issues in your marriage is so important in order to problem solve and do things differently. This creates space for repair and connection. And the more you do it, the better you both get at it, and it won’t be so scary anymore.

Remember, this is a partnership. You got married to share your life together, be each other’s support system, and have each other’s back when life gets hard.

And life will, at times, get hard.

Communication creates trust, and trust is the foundation for any strong and healthy relationship.

If you and your spouse need support on how to talk about marriage problems more effectively, visit my couples page for information about how we might work together. You can also contact me at jacqueline@therapymama.com.