How Undiagnosed ADHD Impacts New Motherhood

I wanted to share a story about one woman’s experience of how undiagnosed ADHD impacts new motherhood and contributed to her struggle with a perinatal mood and anxiety disorder.  

I truly appreciate her raw honesty and giving me permission to share. My hope is to raise awareness and understanding of how living with undiagnosed ADHD can impact the experience of becoming a new mother including putting her at risk for a perinatal mood and anxiety disorder.

I will not provide her name in order to protect her confidentiality.

Here is her story in her words:

“For as long as I can remember, I have had a somewhat abstract awareness of my surroundings.  On top of that, when I do ‘wake up’ and engage with the world around me, it can be a shock to my senses.  I am a classic introvert on top of that.  So, people have not always known how to respond to me. At best, it might be said that I appear quiet and dreamy.  At worst, unresponsive, distracted, unmotivated, careless, or rude.

I have always been confused by the negative feedback I can get at times, in school, at work, and in my personal life as well.  

I often have no idea what I seem like to people unless they are being very, very clear about their approval or disapproval, for example.  And yet, I have never felt entitled to be aggressive, offensive, or rude.  I have been encouraged to be as pleasing as possible, and I have always tried to be, the best that I can.

There is one area where I have been able to enjoy some good or even glowing reviews, and show some promise.  

I am a photographer by trade, and when I have my camera in hand and an inspiring subject before me, then I am completely in my element.  I am a creative person in general, whose abilities range from illustration, painting, working with textiles (sewing, crochet, weaving, embroidery), sculpture, and design.

But, in most of the rest of daily life, I am often confused, overwhelmed, trying to hide my difficulty, and hold it together the best that I can. This becomes a “Groundhog Day” movie-type scenario, where I am trapped in a cycle that seems comical on some days but disturbing on many others.  I do deal with some depression, that can manifest itself as a persistent feeling of worry, doubt, and a general sense of gloominess.  

It can feel like there’s not always much to look forward to when I don’t feel like I can navigate the simplest tasks in daily life; without knowing why!

ADHD never came up as a potential explanation for my less desirable, continued behaviors. I was quiet and “painfully shy” (as it has always been described by my parents) as a child.  Because I had some really intense struggles with my parents starting as a pre-teen and up, I began to retreat inside of myself more and more.  Even those closest to me, my sisters, did not know the extent of it. I managed the best that I could.  

I kept company with fellow self-identified misfits (though I was generally a naive, wholesome youth who rejected harmful behaviors towards others), dreamed of a better life one day, and was ambitious enough to get myself through school (with financial help) by enrolling in an art program at the university I attended.

Motherhood

By the time I had my first child, eleven years ago now, I was really quite unwell emotionally.  I had never truly gotten the help and understanding that I had needed.  I had little idea of the skills to make the better life that I wanted.  I did not really know the extent at the time, because it was my “normal” state.  I had not known anything different that might indicate that there was anything truly concerning.

I thought my experience of life was pretty much as good as it was ever going to get.  

I could not conceive of a therapist understanding what plagues me, and being able to offer anything that might genuinely help.  I really had no idea that there was an explanation, help, and treatment for the mental issue that I live with.

As a new mom, I somehow temporarily sidestepped going into [a] downward spiral from the added challenges and responsibilities of being a parent.  

For a short, glorious time, I was so over the moon in love with my tiny baby daughter and given a sense of purpose in a profound way that it actually improved my state of mind for a while.  

Having this little person that was all mine, helped me find strength inside that I didn’t know was there.  I needed to feel that about myself so desperately.  I had felt such despair over feeling broken and wrong, every day.  I was still suffering though. I had not healed and gotten better.  

I had this profound, life-changing event that distracted me for a while in the most beautiful way.  It did come to an end not quite two years later when I had my son.

My first child, my daughter, was never easy to take care of.  She was always wonderful to cuddle with and nurse.  But, she would not let me set her down to nap, hated being in the car, and did not respond well to the wonderfully helpful baby go-tos like baby swings, bouncers, or a walk in a stroller or carrier.

I saw my close friends and acquaintances making use of one or more of these handy helpers, and I felt so confused.  I wondered why I couldn’t make any of these things work for us.

My daughter had never been one that becomes sleepy, winds down, and then falls asleep.  She certainly got sleepy and out of sorts, just minus the full, rejuvenating sleep that we both needed.  I’ve always had to help her get to sleep, even to this day, now at 11 years old.  

But back then, I was getting more and more desperately worn out.

Even though the timing was not perfect, I knew that if we wanted another baby and a sibling for my daughter, then we should not delay.  

I turned 36 years old five days after my daughter was born. I felt a sense of urgency because it had taken about 6 months to become pregnant with her.  I did not take for granted that it would necessarily be as easy to become pregnant again.

Well, it was easy, thankfully. When my daughter was about 17 months old, I became pregnant with my son.  I had a healthy pregnancy and continued to nurse my daughter throughout. She was very dependent on me. Up until her brother’s birth, she did not want to stay with her Dad without me.

 If I tried to take time without them, they would be miserable, because my daughter didn’t do well without me.  So, I kept going; trying to take care of everybody the best that I could.

Everything went downhill quickly by the time my son was born.  

My stress level was out of control with the challenges that came with a very sensitive toddler who was still very much so a baby herself, having to deal with a new baby coming home, in addition to my own very real and lifelong issues.

My daughter fought for my attention.  She seemed not at all mad at her new baby brother (thankfully) but was very upset with me.  While this is completely understandable, it posed a difficulty for me that I did not anticipate the intensity of.  I had used breastfeeding as a way for she and I to relax together and bond.  It had become my first and foremost go-to for having time to relax for a bit, for both of us.  I had not intended to give that up so soon, but that meant trying to tandem nurse.

I bought a book to learn what I could about it and I tried to keep nursing my daughter while also nursing my newborn son.  It was a disaster, to say the least.  I did not feel calm and found it overstimulating in a way that really shocked my nerves, in a bad way.  I worried that my son wasn’t getting enough milk because my daughter would drain one side so quickly.  The nature of tandem nursing can be debated, but I was having excessive worry thoughts and feeling distraught.  

And in the process, I was starting to rage inside. That was pretty unusual.

I never wanted to hurt my daughter, thankfully.  I always considered myself her protector.  But I did have these overwhelming moments of wanting to sweep the landscape like an angry giant with wrath of epic proportions.

In the moments that these feelings overcame me, my daughter would have meltdowns that looked like her pushing up against me like a tv wrestling match and screaming with the most unearthly wail.  I would hold it together, often hanging by a thread.  

There was a small handful of times when I grabbed and picked up my daughter too hard.  She was ok, and would not remember it now, but I know that it was too much. It hurts my heart when I think about it.  But I am grateful that I never lost it and did something worse.

The blessing during that time is that I had the blissful falling-in-love period with my son.

 I moved into our guest room at night with him for about 6 months.  I was scared that my daughter was so little that she wasn’t safe to be around him at night yet. I still think that was right, though it was hard.  I missed sleeping with her and my husband most desperately.  But we did the best thing that we could.  My daughter would not sleep alone so we had no choice.

My son did sleep better than my daughter did. I am sure it helped me survive, that he was able to sleep for longer stretches than she did.  He was an easier baby in general, who did like the bouncer, swing, and toys.  He also enjoyed watching, listening to, and being around his older sister.

Meanwhile, I had a bad year, of purposely avoiding help because I thought that in order to nurse my son I had to forgo medication treatment.  I finally went in to see a therapist when I was in a downward spiral and had to survive.

Looking back, I see how things could have gotten so bad.  The stress was too much.

I had started my journey as a parent with some pretty serious problems, gone unchecked.  My hormones were surely a factor, and maybe even the explanation for reaching a point of crisis. It forced me to finally seek the help I needed then and had always needed.

It was rough going for a while.  I was so far gone that I could barely digest food and was having panic attacks every day, throughout the day.  For the first time in my life, I became claustrophobic and could barely bring myself to drive at all because stopping at a stop sign or traffic light would send me into a claustrophobia traffic.  It was like I was in a crazy, end-of-the-world action movie.  I felt genuinely threatened almost non-stop.  I had never been remotely that badly off before, and I had let things go for too long.

I was scared and had little hope of things getting better.  I didn’t know what was happening to me.  All I knew, is that things were getting worse and worse, and I could not control it.

I had to fight to survive; to find my way out of the “woods” I found myself in.  

My mind always seems to go [to] that metaphor, even though this type of suffering defies description in my view.  It might be said that it is like getting lost, deep in the woods with little or no tools, skills, or defense.  It is desperate, and you have to fight to survive.  It is an epic battle, fighting off deep depression.  No doubt about it.

It took time, and a couple of therapists to get some good work done and headed in the right direction toward a better life.  The real healing began when I found someone who I worked well with, trusted, and found easy to understand the counseling I received.  I am an intelligent, very picky person in my own way, and could not truly listen, process and apply what I was hearing until it resonated and made sense.

It has taken time, but I have come a long way.  

Medication has helped and been a good support for me.  I can drive with almost no concern, which is a big deal because I could not imagine even getting back to that point.  

I still have a lot that I want and need to change about my life, but I have the gift of knowing that I have come really far and that I know how to get help.  I have never been truly happier overall, and I am grateful for that.”

For more information on Perinatal Mood and Anxiety disorders, visit Postpartum Support International.

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Jacqueline V. Cohen is a Licensed Professional Counselor, an ADHD Certified Clinical Specialist Provider, and a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist who works with courageous women and mothers that want to live authentically. You can connect with her by email or to learn more about her practice and specialties, visit her website.